Chaos, In My Head
by Cry Tears of Darkness
Summary: A story about Rory needing to choose between Dean and Jess and all the turmoil and troubles she causes in the process. Can develop into a lot of different things.
1. Chapter 1

Title: **Decisions**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

**Rory's Point of View**

"Rory!" Screamed Paris as she ran into the room in a panic. "Where are you? We need to prepaire for this debate and we need to prepaire now, there is no time to write little letters to you little boyfriend now," she said as she saw my binder opened on the table.

"I'm not writing to my boyfriend, Paris," I replied and tried to close the binder before she could get close enough to read what was already printed. I didn't want her to see that I was writing to Jess and not Dean.

"Then who except your perfect Dean?" She questioned me. I closed the binder but she grabbed it from me before I could put it away. She opened it, and I could feel my heart beating a million miles per hour.

"Oh, there's nothing in here. Then what were you doing?" She asked, confused. At least she didn't find the paper that I had written on.

"Oh, just nothing. I was going to write to Dean, but I was lost for words." I replied in a hushed voice.

"How could you not know what to say to him? I mean he only wrote you twenty-five letters in the past five week, Rory! What is going on?" She interogated.

"Nothing's going on. I just think he's coming on too strong. I need my space you know."

"You need your space? Oh well excuse me then, I'll just go prepaire for this debate all on my own then over ther ein the corner since I'm invading your personal space Rory Gilmour!" And she stomped off and slammed the door in the process.

Once she had left I picked up my binder from the bed she had thrown it on and re-opened it to my Jess letter. So far I didn't have much at all. I didn't know what to say to him either. What do you say to a guy you develop feelings for when you already have a boyfriend whom you love with all of your heart? What do you say to your boyfriend whom you love with all your heart about a guy he hates but yet you have strong feelings for? It's so complicated.

The phone rang, "Hello?" I answered. A deep male voice appeared on the other line.

"Hello Rory Gimour." He voice replied.

"Who is this?" I asked, a bit unsure.

"Who do you think I am?" The voice replied to her again.

"Jess? Is that you?" I asked, I mean, it must be Jess. Dean would never… Or would he?

"Jess? You think I'm Jess? Rory! Come on!" Dean's voice blarred through the phone. Oh no, I had made a mistake.

"I'm sorry Dean, but you don't come across as a person who would disguise their voice and call me while I'm in Washington, especially with Paris around." I tried to defend myself.

"Rory, you gave Jess the number to call you? What's the deal, why don't you return my letters anymore?" He sounded so hurt. What do I say to that?

"Well, Dean, I don't know what to write to you. So many letters you've sent me and so much to reply to with so little time."

"I know you're busy, but I'm sure you've written Jess a letter haven't you? He seems to be the only thing on your mind these days isn't he?"

"Dean that's not true! You know me, you know me…" I replied and still stared at the looseleaf laying infront of me with a long letter to Jess ready to mail.

"I thoguht I knew you. I used to know you. Rory, why are you acting like this? It's as if you don't want to be around me anymore. Do you want to date Jess or something?"

"You really don't hold anything back do you?" I asked in return.

"Answer the question, Rory." He said sternly. Almost as if he was fighting back tears as he did when she didn't say 'I love you' back on their three-month annaversary.

"No, I don't want to date Jess." I said as quick as possible. I couldn't loose Dean. Not like this. But the thoughts had definitely crossed her mind.

"Are you sure?"

"Yes I'm sure. Dean, I love you." I said. It wasn't really a lie. I did love him. But I did think of dating Jess. Dean didn't need to know that though.

"Well, in that case I'm glad. I love you so much Rory and I miss you too. I can't wait for you to get home and we can be together again. It's been so long."

"I know, me too." I said. I felt so guilty.

"Okay, well, I guess I should go. I can hear Paris coming in the background."

"You can? Oh, well you're right. I guess so."

"I love you Rory" Dean said.

"Bye." And I hung up the phone. I looked down at my letter to Jess and I re-read it before I stuffed it into an enveloppe and adressed it. Dean would never know that I've been sending letters to Jess. How would he know?

"RORY GILMOUR LET"S GET WORKING NOW!" Screamed out Paris on her way back to their room. I guess Dean maybe knew she was coming afterall.

"Yes, Paris."

**Dean's Point of View**

There is something going on with Rory. She didn't say I love you back. She didn't seem all that sure that she wants to be with me either. There is something fishy going on. But what? Why doesn't she like me anymore? I mean, I'd give her the world. And she, doesn't want it?

"I need to walk." I said out loud. I gathered up my things and cleaned my room quickly before grabbing my jacket and going down staires. I went outside and walked towards Luke's.

"Dean! Hey, how are you doing?" I heard behind me. I turned around and saw Loralai walkign towards me. Nice to hear a familiar and friendly voice.

"Hey, I'm doing good. How about you?" I asked in return. At least she appriciated what I do for Rory even though Rory doesn't seem to.

"I'm a little coffee deprived but when am I ever not coffee deprived, coffee in the morning is a good thing, good thing. Yes yes, off to Luke's. Luke gives me coffee. Where are you off to?" She replied. I've gotten used to the face paced and yet repetative talk of the Gimour's by now.

"I'm just taking a walk to clear my head." I answered. No use trying to cover, she'll see right through me. She's always an excellent judge like that.

"About, something wrong Dean?" She asked concerned.

"Maybe. I don't know. It's Rory. It's as if she doesn't want to be with me anymore. She always seems to be focused on Jess now." I confessed. "It feels as if she doesn't love me anymore. And that creep is stealing her away from me."

"Dean, Rory loves you. Jess is just, excitement for this small town. She loves you." She tried to comfort me.

"I guess, but, I mean I know, but, it doesn't seem like it." I said.

"That's because she probably has feelings for another guy!" Jess's voice creeped up in the background.

"What do you want?" I answered coldly.

"Well, I am the devil sent to tell you that your beautiful Rory does have feelings for another guy. Just to set your records straight." He answered.

"Like who?"

"Like me. You've known it all along. Don't fight it." He said cooly.

"Prove it." I demanded.

"Come on guys. There's no need…" Loralai was cut off.

"Ok, come inside, I'll show you the letters she's been sending me saying 'Oh Jess I like you but what about Dean' type things. Come on, that is, unless you don't want to know." He teased.

"Lead." I followed him into Luke's and past Luke who looked, as always, grumpy. "Where are these letters Jess?" I asked impatiently.

There was no way it could be true. I mean, in my head yes, but not in real life. Rory, sending letters to Jess, after she had told me she hadn't and that she loved me? What is going on. There is no possible way that…


	2. Chapter 2

Title: **Decisions**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

**Rory's Point of View**

After an excrutiating time with Paris prepairing for this debate the next day, I finally sat down on my bed and closed my eyes. I started to relax. I could almost hear my mom's voice. Almost, just out of reach…

"RORY!" Yelled Paris. I opened my eyes and looked at her. "The phone, your mother. Hello!" She said as she threw the phone to me.

"Mom?" I asked.

"Rory, what a pleasant surprise. How was dream-land?" She said cheerfully. She always knew how to make me smile.

"It was great. It was as if I could hear you speaking to me." I replied.

"Well, that's because I was, through my head. Anyways. Guess who I ran into today?"

"Ummm, I don't know?"

"Dean. And guess how Dean is doing." She said. I knew she was going to be going somewhere with this.

"I already spoke to him this morning. He's good." I answered. I don't know what Dean told her.

"Are you sure? Because the Dean I talked to wasn't good. The Dean I talked to was worried about his girlfriend liking another guy and that certain other guy was going to go prove to this Dean that his girlfriend does like another guy through some letters. Rory, what's going on?" My mom asked me.

"Nothing."

"What letters?"

"The ones to Jess? They're nothing, really." I said. Oh no.

"Really? Nothing, nothing about you confessing that you like him and don't know about Dean?"

"Really. Nothing."

"Okay, if you say so. I hope you're right. Or you'll have an angry Dean on your hands."

"I'm sure, thanks for the head's up, mom."

"No problem sweetheart. Now you go do what you need to do."

"Alright, bye." And I hung up the phone. This whole Jess and Dean thing. So confusing, so frustrating. It's not my fault I have feelings for Jess too. I don't know why. Maybe because he's so different than Dean.

**Dean's Point of View**

"And the letters, there they are!" invited Jess into Luke's upstaires apartment. Sure enough, as I had feared, a stack of letters, from Rory, rested on the bed. There was at least six of them there. The amount he had sent her. That she had not sent back.

"Can I, see them, closer?" I asked, queasey.

"Be my guest. I'm not out to hurt you you know. You're a real stand up guy, Dean. Just, face the truth. I give you; truth!" Jess said in his sarcastic attitude.

I walked to the letters. I sat down on the corner of the bed. I picked up the first letter and took it out to read, unfolded it and as I saw the wordest "Dearest Jess" at the top I couldn't do it anymore.

"You know what, I don't need to see them. I'm out of here!" and I bolted down the staires and knocked into Luke on the way,

"Hey, watch it punk!" Luke called after me. But I just kept going. I ran all the way to the doc in the lake. I stood there panting, heaving almost.

It's not that I was out of breath, it was more angry and disbelief. Rory, she lied to me. She really does like Jess, and it's not just in my head this time. My God, my own girlfriend lied to me and likes another guy. What the hell am I going to do now?

I sat down at just stared at the trees and water for the longest time.

About an hour later I heard footsteps. I looked to the side and I saw Loralai's boots coming at me. Go figure.

"Dean, I, I, don't know what to say. Do you want to talk?" She asked as she sat down beside me.

"Not really. There's not much to say. Rory lied. Rory likes Jess."

"I heard. Jess called me after you stormed out. Believe it or not, he's worried about you. I know you two don't have the best track record, but he is a human and does care. And he cares because he cares for Rory. And Rory cares for you."

"No offense, but that doesn't help." I muttered.

"I guess not. Dean, even if Rory may not be here for you if you need to talk, you can talk to me. Despite whatever happens."

"I know, thank you. But I do just want to be alone right now if you don't mind."

"Okay, call me, ok Dean?"

"Alright." I answered an watched her walk away. At least she cares and is honest. Rory, not so much so.

The hours passed and I just sat there. Didn't want to move. Didn't want to go back. Didn't want to be. Rory is my everything. I put my heart and soul into her, yet she is just treating me like a walking mat. Walking all over me. It hurts so much. Before I knew what was happening, tears were running down my cheeks and I fell over into the water..

**Jess's Point of View**

Dammit. Why do I care what happens to Dean? Was I being nice? Me, nice, to Dean? Ugh, wow, I must really care for Rory if I'm caring for Dean and all. What does it matter to me if she leaves him? I'd win, get the prize. Dammit! I should probably go check on him.

I picked up the phone and called his house. No one answered, I wonder where he is. Maybe he's just around town. I'll go take a walk. Might as well go to the doc, I mean, I do my best thinking there maybe he will too. If not, that's Rory and mine's spot.

As I got there, I saw Dean's jacket there. On the doc. But no Dean? Odd. Then I saw something floating in the water a bit further down, oh shit, it's Dean! I jumped in the water screaming out his name. No answer. I dragged him back to the doc. He's not breathing.

"Somebody help me!" I screamed out.


	3. Chapter 3

Title: **Decisions**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

**Jess's Point of View**

Oh God, what the hell do I do, Dean's going to die! Shit! This is my fault, if I didn't show him those letters then maybe… Argh! Dammit Rory Gilmour why did you hurt this guy so bad that he wants to kill himself!

"HELLO! IS ANYONE OUT THERE! HELP ME!" I screamed out. There was still no answer. Dean's still not breathing. I guess it's up to me to help him. Good thing I got hurt enough at school to be in the nurses' office to read those bloody first aid and cpr sheets.

I started to breath for Dean, I started compressions and all. In my head I was counting, one, two, three, four… all the way to fifteen. Breath. Breath. Dammit Dean, come on. Help me out will you?

"Jess what are you doing?" I heard a voice.

"Help me! Get an ambulance! He's not breathing! Dean's not breathing!" I cried, I had tears streaking down my cheeks. I didn't know what to do anymore. I was scared.

"Jesus Christ!" Called the voice. I'll go get someone and they ran off. I don't know what they did. All I remember is trying to get Dean to breath again. Trying to get Dean to wake up.

I hear sirens. I hear people. I hear the voices. Finally. Now it was as if I was watching myself. I watched myself get pushed out of the way, I watched them help Dean. Dean was hooked up these wires and they carried him off in the ambulance.

"Let me come, please." I begged the driver.

"I'm sorry Sir, only family."

"But they're not here! Please, I have to. I'm his friend." I pleaded.

"I… Alright come in. Hurry up!" He replied. He looked sympathetic. It's not very often in a small town like Stars Hallow that you need ambulances or things like that. It's not very often you get scared like that. It's also not very often you see Dean hooked up to wires being driven away in an ambulance. It's also not very often I feel sick to my stomach.

When we arrived at the hospital, they wheeled Dean away and I was left with no where to go. They wouldn't let me follow anymore. I should call someone. But who?

"Hello?" Answered a voice.

"Hi, umm, this is Jess." I said.

"Jess, are you ok?" Asked Loralai. Who else was I to call?

"There's a problem. Can you come to the hospital?"

"Now why would I do that? Call Luke, Jess." Can you blame her for that, no, not really.

"It's not me, it's Dean."

"What's wrong with Dean!" She screamed out.

"Just, get here. Bring Luke to take me home too, please." I asked then I heard the phone click. I had to do something.

I went to the waiting room chairs and I sat down. I looked around me. There was close to no one here. As I said before, not much use for a hospital in this town. I felt so sick still. I mean, I saw Dean, almost dead. He could have died. He must have wanted to die. Dammit, why am I feeling anything? It's not like me at all.

"Jess, where's Dean!" Cried out Loralai as she arrived with Luke.

"I don't know, they won't let me see him." I replied coldly.

"What do you mean you don't know?"

"I mean I don't know!" I screamed back. "Stop yelling at me!"

"What did you do to Dean!" She hammered at me.

"Loralai, come on…" Luke started.

"No, what did you do to Dean!" She was panicing enough for her and Rory.

"Nothing." I just sat there and conitnued to stare at the floor. My stomache hurt. All that played over and over in my head was Dean's lifeless body just flaoting in the water. And that if I had been just a bit later, Dean could be dead. But Dean wanted to be dead. Ugh!

**Rory's Point of View**

"Mom, hello?" I said as I called my mom on her cell phone.

"Hello Rory, what's up?" She said, almost worried.

"Nothing, I just wanted to let you know that we're packing to come home now. I can't wait to get back. I miss it so much." I replied. I did miss home.

"Well, ok. When are you getting in?"

"In the morning. It's too late to take off tonight." I answered.

"Ok. Rory, there's something you need to know…" She started off.

"Mom, whatever it is, it can wait until I see you tomorrow morning. Okay, I got to go to bed. Goodnight." And I hung up the phone before she could tell me. I didn't want to hear another Dean lecture right now.

I got all my things together and all I had left was my binder with my letters to Jess. I had just finished the last one that I would give him when I saw him tomorrow. I had found a way to be with Jess. Without hurting Dean. If I had never met Dean or Dean was gone, then Jess and I could be together. Though, Dean is there, and I love him.

I packed my binder away and I crawled into bed. I could hear Paris muttering in her sleep. As always, I wouldn't miss this really. I couldn't wait to get to sleep and back home!

**Dean's Point of View**

Rory… Jess… Rory… Jess… Rory… Jess…

**Jess's Point of View**

Loralai and Luke had seen Dean, I couldn't bring myself in that room to see him. Once Loralai had called Dean's parents and they got there, we all left. I didn't say a word the entire ride home. I couldn't. What to say?

"You know, Jess, I'm very proud that you helped Dean. Dean could have died yet you saved him. It makes you a hero." Luke said to me once we entered the Diner. I said nothing.

"Jess, come on. Don't take his hard-up attitude. You did a good thing tonight." He continued. I just walked upstaires to my room. I had to get away. I had to make sense of what was going on. I mean, I am feeling emotions. It's not like me to care and be nice. Yet I was, ok I can deal with that. But dealing with seeing what I saw tonight and going through that, that I can't deal with.

I went and I lay down in my bed Luke had put on the floor for me. I curled up in the blankets. I was so cold, so cold. Yet it was summer and warm out. Doesn't matter, I was cold. I just drifted to sleep I guess…

"Jess, Jess, wake up!" Luke called at me. He started shaking me.

"I'm.. What, yeah?" I muttered.

"Jess, you're crying, what's wrong. Jesus, what's wrong?" He sounded so worried.

"I'm not crying." I said.

"There are tears down your cheeks." Luke answered. "Talk to me…"

"I'm just. Scared, Dean, I mean…" I didn't know what I was saying.

"I know. Gosh, I'm sorry. That must be something. Maybe you should talk to someone." Luke suggested.

"No, I'm fine."

"Crying is not fine, Jess."

"I'm fine. I need to take a walk." I got up, got dressed and left. Luke just watched me. I'm sure he's thinking I'm a pain as usual.

As I went downstaires and through the diner I saw Loralai and Rory eating breakfast. Rory looked at me and smiled. Maybe she had no idea about Dean yet. Maybe she did.

"Jess, Hi!" She jumped up and hugged me. I just stood there.

"Hi." I said. No emotion.

"How are you, did you get my letters, did you? You never wrote back." She said. Maye she didn't know. I don't think she'd be this peppy if she did.

"I did. Thank you."

"I have another one for you. Here you go." She took it out of her pocket and handed it to me. "Read it now."

"Rory, you said. You told Dean you didn't write to Jess! You told me you didn't write to Jess!" Loralai exclaimed.

"Well, I knew you'd act like this. I didn't know how to answer Dean's. But to Jess, the words just flowed." Rory said.

"Well.. I'll read it later." I said and went to walk to the door.

"No, now." She said and stopped me. I opened it and read it. 'If Dean wasn't.. Then we could be together. I can't stop thinking about you.' … I froze. I got angry.

"Dammit Rory, stop this!" I screamed at her.

"Stop what?" She said confused.

"Stop this! This is what almost killed Dean!" I said holding up the letter. "This, this you liking me thing!"

"Almost killed Dean? WHAT!" She screamed. She looked around her. No one looked at her.


	4. Chapter 4

Title: **Decisions**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

**Rory's Point of View**

"What happened to Dean. Will someone please tell me what's going on?" I looked pleadingly at everyone in the diner. It had become quite quiet at that point.

"Umm, Rory, sweetie.." My mom started.

"Dean tried to drown himself yesterday because he was so hurt and pissed off about you." Jess said and ran out of the diner.

"Dean what!" I cried. "Dean, hurt himself? Dean, drowning? How, no. Dean!" I didn't know what to feel. I, Dean, I, Dean…

"I tried to tell you yesterday but you didn't want to hear it, I'm sorry." My mom looked at me, she stood up them pulled me into her arms and I cried.

"I have to see Dean." I said.

"I know." My mom said. She drove us to the hospital. When we got there, Dean was awake. And his family was there.

"I don't want that girl seeing my son!" Fought Dean's mother. "It's her fault he's in here in the first place!"

"How is it my fault?" I asked.

"Because of you my Dean tried to kill himself. He almost drowned! And if it wasn't for that sweet boy Jess he'd be dead!" His mom cried.

"I didn't try to kill myself!" Dean coughed. "I didn't. Listen to me, I was overwhelmed and I just passed out and fell into the water." He explained.

"See?" I said.

"Now hush up Dean. Nonsense. You're depressed and wanted to die." His mom said.

"No, I wasn't. Why won't you listen to me! I should know." Dean protested. "I want to be checked out."

"No." Said me, my mom, and his mom at the same time.

"Look I'm fine. Let me leave or else!" He threatened.

"Dean, we need to talk…" I started.

"No, we don't need to talk. Rory, I'm breaking up with you. Go be with Jess." He said, so coldly.

"But Dean, I love you." I pleaded.

"No, you didn't love me enough to write me back. You didn't love me enough to stop treating me like garbage. You didn't love me enough to even say it on the phone." He said. "We're through."

"If.. Ok.. Dean, I'm sorry." I said. Wow, did this just happen?

"Just go!" Dean called out, tears fell down my cheeks. I turned around and left with my mom.

The entire car ride home we didn't talk. Iguess I had that coming. But despite the sickness in my gut, I felt not too bad with it. It did make things clear for me and Jess. If Jess will talk to me now, that is.

**Dean's Point of View**

Why couldn't she just be honest with me from the beginning, maybe it wouldn't have hurt this much. I swear, I didn't't try to kill myself, why won't anyone believe me? I swear. I didn't. I just, fell, and didn't want to get up again.

"Dean, are you sure you're ready to leave? You almost drowned tonight." My mom started at again.

"Yes, mom." I said. I know she's worried but I'm getting tired of this. I had to go see Jess. I needed to thank him.

"Mom, I'm going for a walk, I need to see someone." I said, I left before she could tell me no.

I walked. All around town, and as I did, I'd see so many people just looking at me as if they wanted to hug me. How strange this was. I didn't try to kill myself, do I have to broadcast it to the whole town or something? I continued walking anyways. Maybe I should go to the doc again, I mean, Jess would be there. Wouldn't he?

I saw Jess sitting there. He was crying. Oh no.

"Jess…" I said.

"Dean.. Wow, umm, how are you?" He answered while wipping the tears from his eyes.

"Better than you I guess since you're the one crying. Why?" I asked. This was strange, me and Jess talking. Jess saving me. I mean, our history and all.

"I'm just shaken up is all. I mean, how would you feel if you were me?" He answered. Yeah, two guys talking, not much is going to come out.

"Yeah. I get it man. I just wanted to say, thanks for saving me. I mean, you didn't have to, yet you did." I explained.

"I.. You're welcome. Take care of yourself Dean." Jess said, he stood up and started to walk. He got to the end of the doc then turned around. "Hey, Dean, come on, let's go get some coffee or something at Luke's."

"Alright." I got up and we walked back to Luke's together. Was complete silence the whole was. So was the coffee and all. Was awkward. But then again, expected.

**Jess's Point of View**

This was strange. This me and Dean thing. I can't stand seeing him. It just makes all those flashes worse. That surge through my head. I can't deal. No. It's not possible. I need to get them to stop replaying!

I walk to the doc. Dean's jacket. Dean in water. Lifeless. Swim, pull him out. Then cpr. No one comes. Then they do. Ambulance. Dean almost died. His life was in my hands. This plays, over and over. I can't get it out of my head.

"Listen, Dean, nice talking to you and all, but I got a bed calling my name, so I'm going to go now. Bye." And I went upstaires two staires at a time. When I got up there I just went right to bed. I didn't care.

I ran across the doc, I saw Dean, in the water. Dying. I lift him out, but I'm too late. He's already blue. I start cpr but, nothing's working. I panic. Then, he opens his eyes and screams out, "Jess, why didn't you save me? Why did you take Rory from me? You killed me! You killed me!"

Shit. Dammit. Oh, it's just a dream. Shit. What the hell is wrong with me?


	5. Chapter 5

Title: **Decisions**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

Though, I do own "cousin Rita".

**Rory's Point of View**

_Dear Diary,_

_Today Dean and I broke up. Yesterday he fell into the lake and tried to kill himself. Or a he says, just fell. I don't know. I feel so bad, I mean, because I drove him to that. I feel so so so bad. He doesn't deserve that, not Dean. Dean's too sweet, caring, happy, and loving. It's not fair. At all. I didn't want to hurt him. I didn't want to hurt him at all. I didn't mean to. But Jess, what to say? He just brings out this side of me that I never knew. Dean is safe and reliable. Jess is dangerous and spontaneous. What's not to like about either of them? I don't know what to do. Now neither of them may want me. I don't recognize myself anymore. At all. _

_Am I that bad of a person? I guess so. My mom and I haven't talked yet and we're best friends. Best friends. And we haven't talked. Oh no, I'm screwing my life over so badly. This sucks! But I can't help it. I mean, I love Dean. I really do love Dean. He's is the best, I could never ever find another boyfriend as caring and giving as him. Never. But, Jess, just stirs up my insides. Makes me feel ways Dean never can make me feel. I don't know who to go with. Jess maybe, I can give that a try. Poor Dean. I hope he knows how sorry I am. _

I closed my diary and went into the kitchen. My mom was there making supper. That's a change from our usual order in way too much. But simple sandwhitches we can do on our own. Has been a hectic first day back afterall.

"Mom, can we talk?" I asked.

"Rory, you know you can always talk to me." She said. I wasn't sure what she was thinking right now.

"Mom, it's about Dean and Jess." I gave more information.

"I figured." She said. She sat down at the table and handed me a plate with supper on it.

"I'm sorry this happened to Dean. I'm really sorry. And I'm sorry I lied to you about writing to Jess. And I'm sorry things are messed up. I don't know what I was thinking. If I was eve thinking at all." I spilled.

"I know you are. But that doesn't make it all better. That doesn't make Dean ok. That doesn't make Jess ok. I know you're yonug and confused and you have your whole life ahead of you, but you need to stop playing these two guys around and pick one already." She said. I knew she was right too.

"I know. I don't know what to do." I said. I felt like crying.

"You need to figure that one out on your own. I can't make that decision for you." My mom said and looked at me. She hugged me. "Now eat."

We ate supper peacfully and joking around as wel normally do, at that moment it felt good to be back home.

**Luke's Point of View**

"Jess, Jess, come on, wake up." I pleaded with the boy. He just lay there, tears in his eyes. I felt so bad for him.

"I'm, … awake. Luke. What? Why are you looking at me like that?" Jess replied to me.

"It's just, there is something going on with you. And I want you to talk to me and tell me what it is." I said. God I hated talking.

"I'm just wound up. It was something that doesn't happen every day you know. I'm fine." He said. Still in denial.

"You know, I've been doing some research and you seem to show signs of ummm, this psychological thing called Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. You know, where you're traumatized after something traumatizing happens." God I'm bad at this.

"Oh aren't you a good describer. You know they should pay you to write the summaries." He joked with me. He is still Jess that's for sure.

"Well, it won't hurt you to get checked. Every night you're crying and all this. It's scary watching you sleep. You cry out in the night." I said. It was true too.

"I have been having dreams. And they do just keep re-running in my mind what happened. But it's all it is." He pleaded.

"Well, ok, but you need to talk to me if something's going on." I said.

"You got it big guy." He replied, he smiled.

**Jess's Point of View**

I smiled. To make Luke think I was ok. Because I was ok. Or at least, I would be ok. I needed to be ok. I would be ok. Who am I kidding, I wasn't ok. I was far from ok. I mean, I can't even think this let alone spell it out.

I went over to my things, and in my pocket there was a pocket knife. I dug that out. I opened the switchblade and I looked at the blade. Shinney, sharp. Silver. And then I rolled my sleeves up. I saw my skin, perfect and smooth. And what can I say, I took my knife and cut it. My wrist, over and over. And over and over.

"Shit," I mumbled as bloody started to drop to the floor. Faster and faster. "Shit, shit, shit!" I said and ran around trying to find a towel to slow it down and clean up. "What the hell are you doing Jess, what the hell…" I said. "God, I'm talknig to myself too." I'm fine, I needed to be.

After I cleaned up I wrapped my arm up and made sure to roll my sleeves down before I went to help Luke in the dinner for the breakfast rush. I went downstaires, and sure as hell, Loralai and Rory were there.

"So, what will it be this morning?" I asked the two ladies and awaited their response.

"Oh so much to choose from. How about, coffee, coffee and more coffee with pancakes and muffins?" said Loralai. How they manage to eat all that is crazy. You should see it sometimes.

"And you?" I asked and looked at Rory, avoidng eye contact.

"The same please." She smiled at me. She smiled at me. Hummm…

"Coming right up." I said and went to the bac and told Ceaser what to make. Rory came up to the counter.

"So, how are things going, Jess?" She asked me.

"Good, why?" I said. Do you think she knew?

"Just asking I was thinking. Would you like to maybe go see a movie tonight or something if you're not busy and you wanted to that is and if you wanetd to see me, I mean see a movie, I mean…" She talked.

"Are you asking me out, Rory Gilmour?" I raised my eyebrow at her.

"Yes, I am." She said. "So, will you go out with me?"

"I don't see why not. Tonight it is then." I said. I could do that. I mean, after all, it was what I wanted, since I moved here. I've wanted Rory, but did I want Rory like this? It was Rory none the less.

"Yes, tonight it is." She said, she leaned across the counter and kissed me.

**Dean's Point of View**

I looked through the window at Luke's, Rory was kissing Jess. God, that's a huge blow. I really want to get out of this town. I can't stand it. But what's stopping me anyways?

"Dean! Dean, Dean!" my little sister called. "Let's go, come on!" She hopped along the sidewalk towards home. I followed.

When I got there, I told my mom about possibly going to live with cousin Rita for a bit. She actually understood. I went to my room to make the final touches on the plan, calling cousin Rita and asking, then packing.

"Hello?" Answered a familiar voice.

"Rita, it's Dean, how are you doing?" I responded.

"Good, good, now what brigns you to call?" She asked me.

"Well, I was wondering if you would mind me moving in with you for awhile. Things have gotten complicated here and I need to get away." I explained.

"Well, sure. If your mom says it's alright, head on down now!" She sounded so happy. Reminds me why she was my favorite cousin.

"Thanks, I'll pack and head out tonight." I said, I hung up the phone and packed. I wrote Rory a letter and then caught my bus to Michigan.


	6. Chapter 6

Title: **Changed to "Chaos"**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

Though, I do own "cousin Rita".

**Rory's Point of View**

I was really excited about my date tonight with Jess. Really excited. I mean, it can be the chance of a lifetime. Yet I had ended the chance of a lifetime with Dean as well. Either way, I had to focus on Jess now. Which shouldn't be too hard considering he's always on my mind anyways.

"You look so pretty." My mom said as she entered my room.

"Thank you, are you sure it's not too fancy but not too causal. I want to make a good impression." I said.

"Yes, now Rory. There's something I want to say first. You know I'm not fond of Jess, but as long as you're honest with me I will support you okay? But you need to be honest with me." She said.

"I understand. And I swear I will be. Look what happens when we're not honest with each other." I said.

"Good, I'm glad we're in agreement." And then the doorbell rang. "That must be Jess. I'll get it."

Jess appeared in my room a few seconds later. "Hello beautiful." He said to me.

"Why hello there Jess." He reached out to hug me and I saw a wrap with blood on his arm. "Jess! What's on your arm!"

"Nothing, nothing." He said and pulled his arm away really fast.

"That was not nothing. That nothing was a something." I said. I was worried. What could that be.

"No that nothing was a nothing so just back off!" He yelled at me.

"Don't yell at me! Jess you're scaring me." I said.

"What's all the yelling going on in here?" My mom said as she came back.

"Jess has a bandage on his arm with blood and he won't tell me what happened." I said quickly before he could run away.

"No, it's…" He started.

"Let me see." My mom said.

"Excuse me, it's my body, my life." He said.

"Jess, show my mom." I said. I'm scared, what is this?

"Make me." He said. As he said that my mom made a grab for his arm and she was too quick for him. She fought him to see, and she won. She took the bandage off and there was a bunch of cuts along his wrist and forearm.

"Jess, what the hell is this?" I asked. I started to cry.

"Look, you don't understand…" He tried to explain.

"Don't undestand? I understand that you cut yourself. That's all I need to know. " My mom said and she picked up the phone and called Luke.

"Rory, please…" Jess pleaded with me. He came to me and hugged me from behind. He tried to whisper in my ear. I turned to face him. I slapped him in the face.

"I guess I deserved that…" He said. I could see tears in his eyes. I just looked at him, I cried too and I fell into his arms.

"Rory, come here." I heard my mom say.

"Why, but… I'll be back Jess." I left him in my room while I went to see what my mom wanted. She handed me an envelope and said Luke would be over shortly to discuss Jess as a group.

I went back to my room and sat on my bed with Jess. I opened the envelope;

_Dear Rory,_

_I just wanted to tell you I'm moving to Michigan with Rita. I'll be staying there for a long time. Don't try to raech me, you won't be able to. It's over between us for good. I'm sorry it's ending like this, but it needs to._

_Dean._

Jess read over my shoulder with me.

"Well, what do you think?" He asked me.

"I think, this is one way to solve the problem we've bene having. Dean gone, we can be together. But I'm so sorry to hurt Dean like this." I replied.

"Understandable." Jess said and he looked at me. He kissed me.

"Let's go. Kitchen, you two. Now." Luke said as he appeared in the doorway. We went to the kitchen.


	7. Chapter 7

Title: **Chaos**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

Though, I do own "cousin Rita". And Jason. And Ricky.

**Jess's Point of View**

"Alright, now, ummm, Jess, what Loralai has told me is a little upsetting here. Care to explain?" Luke asked me as we sat at the kitchen table.

"Not really. What can I say, I wanted to." I said. Could I really say to three people that the images of Dean laying there in the water really got to me. That I'm hurting? No.

"Jess, people don't just, ummm, mutalate themselves for no reason." Luke conituned.

"Maybe I do, I'm not most people remember?" I replied. I don't care. They don't understand.

"Jess, come on. If anything between us is going to work, you need to talk to me." Rory told me.

"Yeah, you maybe, but them no." I said. Maybe talking to Rory is one thing, but what can I said. She's the cause of this. If she hadn't done this to Dean in the first place.

"Jess, come on. We know what you've done. Let us help." Loralai pleaded with me.

"Look. I went through a lot. And it just happened. I promise I won't do it again." I said. Would they buy it?

"I guess, but still.." Luke said.

**Dean's Point of View**

I got off the bus to Michigan and I took a cab the rest of the way. When I got to Rita's house I rang the doorbell,

"Dean! Hello, wow!" She said as she answered the door. She opened her arms and hugged me. Damn it felt nice to be hugged by someone who cared.

"How are you, I've missed you." I said.

"Good, how about you, come in, come in, we can talk about everything." She said. She escorted me in then to the kitchen where she offered me a cookie. Then we started talking.

"So, what brigns you to live with me, Dean?" She asked me.

"Well, let's just say leaving bad memories behind and creating new and good ones here." I replied. I don't want to talk about Rory.

"How's your girlfriend, Rory was it?" She asked.

"Umm, let's just say Rory is the bad memory." I left it there. No more.

"Oh, well alright. In that case. I'm happy you're here. And there is someone I want you to meet, Dean." She said. "Jason, Ricky, some in the ktichen!" She called out.

A small child no older than three came running out followed by a man Rita's age.

"This is my husband Ricky and our son Jason." She said.

"I didn't know, wow. I hope you don't mind me staying here." I said. Shocking.

"I know, can't tell the family. You know how it gets." She said. "Remember stay as lgno as you like, I wouldn't have said yes if it were a bother."

"Yeah, I understand that one well." I replied. And I did. Soon enough I felt a tug on my shirt, I looked down,

"HI!" Called out Jason. I knew everything would be alright now.

**Jess's Point of View**

Me and Rory were in her room. Luke and her mom were in the living room talking about me. Figures. Oh well.

"So, what are we going to do now?" She asked me.

"This." I said, I pulled her close to me and kissed her.

She pulled away, she looked at me, then fell into my arms perfectly. Then she looked at me again and I kissed her. This time she didn't pull away.


	8. Chapter 8

Title: **Chaos**

Author: **Cry Tears of Darkness**

Setting: This pertains to the episode where Rory comes back from Washington and has trouble deciding between Jess and Dean. Starts when she is still in Washington though.

Disclaimer: As always, I do not own any of these characters, unless I make one up that's not in the show but I don't know yet about that. They belong to the WB and all. Oh well. I wouldn't mind owning Dean though.

Though, I do own "cousin Rita". And Jason. And Ricky. And Alex and Jenna.

**Epilouge:**

_Rory and Jess dated for awhile after that kiss, they were quite happy together. Though of course, Jess still had his demons to fight and had nightmares about Dean dying in his hands. Eventually he saw a doctor and was put on drugs. He was fine. Rory and him ended up married with 2 children, twins, named Alex and Jenna. Rory works as a teacher at the local high school while Jess helps run Luke's Dinner full time._

_Dean lived with his cousin Rita alogn with Ricky and Jason for aboutthree years before moving back to Stars Hallow. When he came back he wanted to see Rory and see if they could have had a chance. Obviously, no they couldn't. He moved back to Michigan and became a real estate agent._

_Loralai and Luke ended up together and married as well. They did not have any kids thought they had the dinner to run as well as the inn which kept them both very busy and active. Of course they have their arguments still but which couple doesn't?_

Okay now that would have been a great epilouge, but of course, it's just a dream one. Nothing ever works out that happily. Here's what really happened:

_Rory and Jess dated for awhile until they should could not get along anymore. The spark had run out, they weren't able to stand it. They went back to being just friends. Rory couldn't get Dean out of her head for awhile, but after not being able to reach him, she gave up and realized she had ruined her chance at a happy ending after all with him._

_Jess moved back with his mom for a few months because he couldn't stand Stars Hallow anymore. He bugged the hell out of everyone there until he was forced back to Stars Hallow and helped out at the dinner. He and Rory are friends. Though, Jess can't stop cutting and went spiralling out of control. So did the nightmares. A week after Dean returned, he cut too deep and bled to death._

_Dean lived with Rita and Ricky and Jason for a year before he couldn't take it anymore and went back to Stars Hallow to see Rory. He couldn't take it. He saw her hugging Jess one day, and he thought he had really lost her for good. But when Jess died, he made sure he was there for Rory._

_Rory and Dean married. They had twins named Alex and Jenna._


End file.
